Jasen's Junk

With apologies to the Thompson Twins:

I went to sea
With the Navy
And we got liberty on a foreign shore.

I saw you there
Just standing there
And I thought we were only having fun.

I kissed you then
Then once again
You said you would come and “dance” with me

Doctor! Doctor!
When I pee, it’s burning, burning
Oh Doctor! Doctor!
When I pee, I’m Burning?

Ships at night
Give such delight
But we all leave before the morning light

It was time to go
But I didn’t know
I was taking something back with me.

Oh Doctor! Doctor!
When I pee, it’s burning, burning
Oh Doctor! Doctor!
When I pee, I’m burning?

And now you know
Why I don’t want to go
But the pressure is building urgently.

Doctor! Doctor!
When I pee, it’s burning, burning
Oh Doctor! Doctor!
When I pee, I’m Burning?

Doctor! Doctor!
Can’t you see I’m burning, burning
Oh Doctor! Doctor!
When I pee, I’m Burning!

Doc I need shots
for what I’ve got
to cure the gunk inside of me…

Next time from sea
On Liberty
I will behave more safely…

Three rings come for the Elven Kings
Seven for the Dwarven Lords
Nine Rings for Mortal Men
One ring to rule them all…

In the Middle Earth
What more in the Middle Earth
In the Middle Earth
What more in the Middle Earth

One hobbit caught in a goblin’s cave
One hobbit he got lost
One hobbit found Gollum’ Precious
One hobbit escaped with a twist

In the Middle Earth
What more in the Middle Earth
In the Middle Earth
What more in the Middle Earth

(fifty years later…)

Early morning on old Mount Dhoom
Ring falls down into lava’s fire
Free at last, you did the deed
Eagles came to save your life

In the Middle Earth
What more in the Middle Earth
In the Middle Earth
What more in the Middle Earth
In the Middle Earth
What more in the Middle Earth

to the Beatles “I want you (she’s so heavy)” inspired by Dispicable Me the movie. I didn’t have to change much… but it fits soooo well.

I want you
I want you so bad
I want you
I want you so bad
It’s driving me mad
It’s driving me mad

I want you
I want you so bad, unicorn
I want you
I want you so bad
It’s driving me mad
It’s driving me mad

I want you
I want you so bad, unicorn
I want you
I want you so bad
It’s driving me mad
It’s driving me mad

I want you
I want you so bad
I want you
I want you so bad
It’s driving me mad
It’s driving me mad

It’s so fluffy!
Fluffy, Fluffy, Fluffy!!!

It’s so fluffy!
It’s so fluffy!
Fluffy, Fluffy, Fluffy!!!

I want you
I want you so bad
I want you
I want you so bad
It’s driving me mad
It’s driving me mad

I want you
You know I want you so bad, unicorn
I want you
You know I want you so bad
It’s driving me mad
It’s driving me mad
Yeah

It’s so

another night of music sticking in my head in 2010

At first I was afraid
I was Pterrified!
Ducking all the flying dinos
Up in the skies
But I spent so many nights
Ducking your deadly form of fun
I found a gun
I learned to shoot and run
And so your back
In City Skies
I just walked out to find you here
With that hungry look in your eyes
I should have kept a skyward watch
I should have made Steve take watch too
If I had know for just one second
You’d be back to bite and chew.

Go on now, fly out to sea
Just fly away now
Because I won’t let you chew on me
Weren’t you the one who tried to bite
Me with your beak
You think I’d yell in terror
You think I’d lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to shoot
I know I will stay alive.
I have got all my life to live
I have lots of bullets and a prison shiv
And I’ll survive
I will survive

It took all the skills I had
Not to die last week
Trying hard to find some food
To eat before I get get too weak.
And I spend oh so many nights
Standing watch at my front door
I used to hide
Now I shoot anything that flies.
And you don’t see me
I’m camouflaged.
I not an easy target
For your clawful death barrage
And so you felt like dropping me
Into a lava pit.
And now I’m saving all my ammo
For someone who’s hunting me.

Go on now go
Fly away home
Just turn around now
Because I’ve got you in my scope
Weren’t you the one who tried to eat me
With your scaly beak
Did you think I’d tremble?
Did you think I’d stand and cry?
Oh no, not I.
I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to hide
I know I’ll stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got lots of ammo left to give
And I’ll survive
I will survive, oh

Go on now go
Fly away home
Just turn around now
Because I’ve got you in my scope
Weren’t you the one who tried to eat me
With your scaly beak
Did you think I’d tremble?
Did you think I’d stand and cry?
Oh no, not I.

I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to hide
I know I’ll stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got lots of ammo left to give
And I’ll survive
I will survive
I will survive…

to “She thinks my Tractor’s Sexy” 7/3/2010

Raiding a moonlit town is my kind of fun
Over by my crypt, lordy here she comes
With a basket full of chicken and a big warm jug of Type B
I make a little smile and she perks right up
turn it up full throttle and stir a little lust
Just look at her face she ain’t a foolin me

She thinks my fangs are sexy
They really turn her on
She’s always staring at me
While I’m chuggin blood
She likes the way I’m smelling from sleepin under the land.
She’s even kind of crazy ’bout my moonlight tan
She’s the only one who really understands what gets me
She thinks my fangs are sexy

We roam back and forth until the morning light
Take it to the crypt and wait until tomorrow night
Climb up in the dirt sit and talk until sun is gone
She said she’s got a dream and I asked what it is
She wants a little dungeon that’s full of kids
One more teeny weeny bite before take her home…

She thinks my fangs are sexy
They really turn her on
She’s always staring at me
While I’m chuggin blood
She likes the way I’m smelling from sleepin under the land.
She’s even kind of crazy ’bout my moonlight tan
She’s the only one who really understands what gets me
She thinks my fangs are sexy

I’m not the kind that sparkles when I’m in the sun.
If killer rays do touch me, my vampin days are done.
I’m not the kind who mopes, bemoaning my evil fate.
That kind of vamp is whiny, an unbecoming trait.
I revel in my evil, I suck with no debate.

She thinks my fangs are sexy
They really turn her on
She’s always staring at me
While I’m chuggin blood
She likes the way I’m smelling from sleepin under the land.
She’s even kind of crazy ’bout my moonlight tan
She’s the only one who really understands what gets me
She thinks my fangs are sexy

Well she ain’t into boys or men or even ducks..
But if its gothic fear, man her eyes light up

She thinks my fangs are….

She thinks my fangs are sexy
They really turn her on
She’s always staring at me
While I’m chuggin blood
She likes the way I’m smelling from sleepin under the land.
She’s even kind of crazy ’bout my moonlight tan
She’s the only one who really understands what gets me
She thinks my fangs are sexy

She thinks my fangs are sexy
She thinks my fangs are sexy.

To James Tailor’s “Fire and Rain” sometime in 2009

Just yesterday morning the disk came in the mail
Netflix had just sent what was in my Que.
I signed on this morning and I wrote down this song
I just want to protect you from its trauma too

I’ve seen Troma and I’ve seen Ed Wood.
I’ve seen boring films that I thought would never end
I’ve seen awful movies when I could not phone a friend
But I never want to have to see it again

I use to watch the cartoon after school
I though giant robots were pretty darn cool.
Some looked like cars, others airplanes.
But then Michael Bay decided to film the movie
Instead of the way it was, He made it his way

I’ve seen Troma and I’ve seen Ed Wood.
I’ve seen boring films that I thought would never end
I’ve seen awful movies when I could not phone a friend
But I never want to have to see it again

I’ve been wanting my time back after watching that junk
Lord knows there are so many things I could have watched instead.
Well, there’s hours of time to talk online about all the good movies to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground

I’ve seen Troma and I’ve seen Ed Wood.
I’ve seen boring films that I thought would never end
I’ve seen awful movies when I could not phone a friend
But I never want to watch Transformers again

Don’t want to see it one more time again
There’s so many films coming my way this time around, now
Don’t want to watch it, though I’d see you Troma and Ed Wood, now

to “Brass Monkey” by the Beasty Boys… October in 2009 (inspired by new friends at MDRF)

Powder Monkey, that funky Monkey
Powder Monkey junkie, that gunner flunky

Got this mate who’s on our crew
He’s got a vital job to do
He gets the powder for our guns
For shooting Frenchy, so much fun
Run, Monkey run, we need some fast.

Good shot men, you got their mast!
Powder Monkey’s job is not safe
His woolen pants, they often chafe.
He sleeps in a hammock deep under deck.

And works quite hard for his paycheck.
I’m Powder Monkey and I run well
I got a ship in the harbor
That’s where I dwell

Powder Monkey, that funky Monkey
Powder Monkey junkie, that gunner flunky

A gunner’s mate got Monkey’s curse.
While Monkey worked, he stole his purse.
Monkey’s told him he’d see him dead.
A powder bomb blew off gunner’s head.

Our Cap’n ordered Monkey striped on deck
The first mate flogged, his back was wrecked.
When deed was done, Monkeys blood did run
Doc reached in the locker, grabbed jug o’rum

He poured it on the Monkey, right on to the cuts
To wash out bloody wounds, then he sewed them up.
He offered him a sip, the monkey bit his lip
It did begin, the rum kicked in and now he’s in his slip

Powder Monkey, that funky Monkey
Powder Monkey junkie, that gunner flunky

Step up to the bar, put the beer down
take a big gulp and swish it around
Take a sip, you can do it, you get right to it
We had a case in the place and we went right through it

You got a dark brown ale, thinking you’re cool
I’ll take your place at the bar, I smack you off your stool
I’ll down a large grog in a single gulp
And if you got beef you’ll get beat to a pulp

Monkey likes pillagin’ and sneekin’ and lootin’
Little island girls, we’re all foolin
The song and dance keeping you in a trance
If you wake up early, I’ll stab you in your pants

I drink it, I think it, I see it, I be it
Powder Monkey loves rum but I won’t give it
We got the bottle, who needs a cup
Come on everybody, drink it up!

Powder Monkey, that funky Monkey
Powder Monkey junkie, that gunner flunky

This one came to me in a dream because I was playing too much WoW. There is no music associated directly to it. but it comes from sometime around October 20th, 2008

There’s a glowing crystal shard
sitting out in my front yard
mutating all the critters with it’s sin…
it fell down from the sky
where it use to like to fly
and thats how this big evil did begin.

After that evil old shard fell,
they started to all swell.
and sprout fangs from their ugly insect grins.
then they started all to sense
us humans across the fence
as saliva dribbled down their chitinous insect chins.

Die Die Die Butterfly.
Your fang-filled proboscis makes me cry.
you want to drink my nectar,
like a vampire Hannibal Lecter
Oh lord, please tell me, why oh why!

Now they look at me
cackling with glee
with a predatory gleam in there dead eyes
they they start to chase
the humans, they all race
to find shelter from death swarming from the skies.

I dive into my shed
my heart swollen with cold dread.
The end of days looms near in my estimation
but then I start to think
I am not a refreshing drink
so I start my personal investigation.

Die Die Die Butterfly.
Your fang-filled proboscis makes me cry.
you want to drink my nectar,
like a vampire Hannibal Lecter
Oh lord, please tell me, why oh why!

My eye spies an Axe
want to take a few wacks
So I reach out and grab it with my hands.
I won’t die without a fight
there’ll be insect blood tonight
even if it’s going to be my last stand.

I ready a mighty swing
and lop off a giant wing
one less buggy left now to try to eat my face.
I swing and swing again
bring bumble a gory end.
but so many left to consume the human race.

Die Die Die Butterfly.
Your fang-filled proboscis makes me cry.
You want to drink my nectar,
like a vampire Hannibal Lecter
Oh lord, please tell me, why oh why!

It’s time for my last stand
my ending will be grand.
the crunchy corpses pile around me wide and high.
My axe is dripping gore.
down my arm and on the floor.
my hands slip loose and the axe flies so I sigh.

Disarmed I look for it
the bugs all score a hit.
and my body starts to swell from insect Poison.
I get out one last curse
as I end my last verse
my heartbeat stops, it looks like the insect boys win.

Die Die Die Butterfly.
Your fang-filled proboscis makes me cry.
You want to drink my nectar,
like a vampire Hannibal Lecter
Oh lord, please tell me, why oh why!

Die Die Die Butterfly.
Your fang-filled proboscis makes me cry.
You want to drink my nectar,
like a vampire Hannibal Lecter
Oh lord…. please tell me… why oh whyyyyyyyyy!

Steve Earle Blues (8/19/2002) apparently I was Insensed that Steve Earle wrote a song about the John Walker situation because I felt that he was trying to profit on other people’s misfortune… how naive I was… or maybe I am just jaded now.

We’re just a country band, not on MTV
and we want to get there, but we haven’t a prayer, so I wrote some controversy

So I started writing down, some lyrics offensive
To the people who died, and America’s pride, no care for who I hurt.

I’m Stupid and I just want publicity
there’s no God but Fame

So the word started to spread, all over the TV
and newspapers cried, while reports they tried, to score big ratings from me.

And my agent got many calls, from TV programs
to schedule my time, to broadcast my crime, it all helps to sell my CD.

I’m Stupid and I just want it my way
there’s no God but Pride

When it came time to schedule release, September made much sense
Nerves would be raw, from al-Qaida’s claw, so they’d buy the song from me.

I don’t care who I hurt, it’s just my artistry.
I have freedom of speech, and political beliefe, and that means so much to me.

I’m stupid and I just want to get rich

I’ Stupid and I just want to get rich….

There’s no God but Cash………

I did this one in the late 90’s. 98 Rock in Baltimore recorded and aired it.

“The Dealer” (lyric conversion of “The Gambler” by Kenny Rogers)

On a warm summer’s evening on a Corner out on Fayette
I met up with a Dealer, who was selling on that street.
So we took turns a-starin’ out on Fayette at the Rollers
‘Til boredom overtook us, and he began to speak.

He said, “Son, I’ve made a living out of selling crack to people,
Knowin’ how much bones they got, by the way they stand,
And if you don’t got no bones, G, Don’t be commin to me for credit,
I ain’t gunna give you none, and I don’t sell crack for free.

So I handed him my ’40 and he drank down my last swallow;
Then he bummed a newport and asked me for a light,
And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression,
‘ said “If you’re gunna be a player, ya gotta play it right.

You gotta know when to hold-up,
Know when to shut-up,
Know when to kill the beotch,
Know when to run,
You never count your money,
When you’re standing out on Fayette,
There’ll be time enough to count it,
when the morning comes.

Every dealer knows that the secret to survivin’
Is knownin’ who to blow away, and knowing who is meek.
‘Cause all the Junkies buggin, and all the Junkies leakin.
And the best thing to hope for, are two bitches that you can freak.

And when he finished preachin’, he turned back toward Fayette
Crushed out his cigarette and then he sighed, deep.
And somewhere in the darkness, erupted automatic gunfire,
The Dealer took two in the brainpan, and I got off cheap.

You gotta know when to hold-up,
Know when to shut-up,
Know when to kill the Beotch,
Know when to run,
You never count your money,
When you’re standing out on Fayette,
There’ll be time enough to count it,
when the morning comes.